Hi all,
To the many of you who read my scary world post and to the new followers of this blog, I’m taking a short break from the new parents site I’m working on, to post a comment just received in “the scary world”:
***** Hi! Thanks for writing. I have a 14-year-old who has talked about suicide, even was away from school for a month with depression. It’s very scary to ransack the house to find all medication and hide the bottles because I can’t take a month off work. She spends a lot of time on line. What are good, supportive sites for her? *****
Well unfortunately I can’t answer that yet, but I am positive that some of you can come up with some worthy suggestions.
Please comment in this post, as your info might be useful for others as well.
Useful info will also be uploaded in the new site. (Soon………..)
Meanwhile take care.
Parenting And Stuff 
http://www.teen-moods.net/
and, this site is very helpful in understanding what Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) might have contributed to a state of depression:
http://www.acestudy.org
As I write this, I am sending some good and healing “energy” to this child and her parent. And, to the writer of this blog. You know, HEALING of the HEART is always a goal—for everyone on this planet. Healing is ALWAYS possible, for where there is life, there is hope. (That quote I think was maybe Thomas Merton, but my favorite uncle used to say it all the time and by repeating it here, I am honoring his memory.)
Love.
http://www.teencentral.net is a safe place for teens to write their story and get help from trained counselors. We are here to help and our site has many help-line numbers for kids.
Thanks!
I honestly couldnt tell you positive sights. I am very sorry your child is going through this. I know some of what I say may seem silly, but please bear with me. My daughter is only 12 and has her moments like this. So I have sat her down and spoke with her, my wife and I did. What we found is find an interest they have, my daughters is MyChemical Romance, and take an active interest in it. Ask what the lyrics are , what they mean to your child. What the song makes tgem think of, it could be anything. Of course let them know how important they are , how much you love them. If you find an interest to share it gives you an opening to how they feel. It has worked for us up to now, I hope it continues. Hope this was somewhat helpful.
I wish my parents would’ve tried this with me. That would’ve opened so many doors.
Talking to your daughter is a good start but you will get better results if you just spend more time with her. Take walks with her. Getting outside into the fresh air with her parent(s) will be the best antidepressant she could get. She is feeling alone and overwhelmed right now and the talk of suicide is her appeal for more social input from you. Your daughter is not a “teenager” she is still a child and right now she is facing way too much of an adult nature for her to cope with. Our society pressures it’s children for performance from the moment of birth, this is extremely detrimental to their emotional health. Adults can’t cope with it, how can we expect children to do so? Here are some suggestions to counter balance the “Stress for Success” syndrome. Get out and play with her, she is still a child, play time should take precedence over life decisions like college or dating. Make sure she knows you are with her in all things right now. Buy her a few small presents she isn’t expecting. They don’t have to be expensive, just thoughtful. Does she like hair ornaments? A particular music group? Does she draw or paint? Take her shopping for a new top or a new hair style. Do a few girl things with her. Are your family meal times rushed and stressful? Find a way to slow down and enjoy meals together. This will benefit the whole family. What modern life puts it’s children through is a shame to us all. I wish the best to your daughter and yourself. Hope this helps some.
A. Farwell
Canadian Hiking Photography on wordpress.com has really breathtaking shots of the great outdoors up north. If your daughter likes the outdoors she may like to spend time with Patrick, his camera, and friends. There are plenty of upbeat sites on the internet for your girl to visit. Research some and give her a list. Photography, travel, painting, yoga, fashion, cosmetics,. Whatever will foster a healthy new interest for her.
Also, get her a therapist. PRONTO! I know I wish I had one back when I was that age and was going through what I was going through. It would probably be very productive to find a family therapist and go to family therapy so that not only she gets the help she needs but you can learn from a professional how to be there for here in ways you may not have known about and in a safe space. Good luck ya’ll! ❤
http://www.teen-moods.net/
http://teenlineonline.org/
I’m going to be really honest here, but understand that I am not being cold or callous. I’ve been where you are, and I know that fear.
Removing meds, etc, isn’t going to do much. If a person truly gets to the point where the mention of suicide goes beyond the “cry for help” stage, then they will succeed. A person who is truly determined can use almost any implement to take their life – a shoelace, a pencil, drain cleaner.
It’s scary, and it’s blunt, but it’s true. If you truly believe that your daughter is a risk to herself, then you need to bring her to the ER so they can place her on a 72hr hold. She’ll get therapy, and probably meds in that time. But I’m begging you, please do not expect web-sites to substitute for professional therapy. Many times, what our children see online makes the depression worse. The Internet is full of people who “enhance” what others see of them to make their lives seem that much better, that much more enviable. To a kid with depression, who already feels like her life is off its axis, this skews her perceptions more.
I absolutely understand not being able to take a bunch of time off from work. But depending on the Internet to address a suicidal teenager’s depression is like asking a career thief to watch your house while on vacation. We, as adults, can find some really great, supportive sites online for things. But kids do not have the ability to discern reality from fantasy online; they are influenced by things we don’t even notice.
My recommendations: set her up with a guidance counselor at school. Schedule regular meetings to talk during the school week if she needs an outlet there. When at home, try to get her to talk. Listen as clearly as you can; don’t lecture. Encourage her to journal, either on paper or in an online blog (she can keep it private – no one need see it). Make an appointment with our family doctor; she clearly needs antidepressant assistance if she is suicidal. Get her into counseling. The county offers mental health assistance for those who have financial difficulties. But most important? Let her know that you love her every single day, and that you will be there to help her get through this.
I agree.
I am a Child Life Therapist and must say your advice is right on point. Honesty and clear clinical support is exactly what this familiy needs. It may take some time to discover, but SOMETHING is triggering this child’s depression and it’s imperitive that they figure it out. Creative outlets are great ways for kids, especially teens, to express themselves when verbally, words aren’t enough. Cudos to you for your advice and to the bravery of this family for seeking help.
Hi Angela, as a child life therapist you might be of help in the new parents site I’m working on. Please read about it in my posts, and if interested please contact me at builtny@netvision.net.il
Thank you for looking into it!
Thank you. I will most definitely take a look this weekend and contact you with my thoughts. Much appreciated,
~Angela
Good Morning. I just sent over an email reply regarding potentially adding Child Life themed posts to your new site. Thanks again. Angela B.
Hi Angela, I didn’t receive the mail! I had some computer issues the last days, would you mind mailing again to info@parents-space.com? I’m really looking forward to your mail! Thanks for letting me know.
Hello! I just forwarded my original message to the email indicated above. Thanks so much. Have a wonderful evening!
~ A
Working in the health field, I can honestly say this advice is spot on. Please consider there is great risk in suggesting a child find answers in any website. In fact if a person is suffering from depression they often feel disconnected from people and that the world would be better off without them…which means they need to know that is not true and they are connected. They won’t get that from a website.
Also, most of the failed suicide attempts I have seen have been around medication overdose…it’s the million others that are far more effective.
I absolutely agree. Please take this from someone who has tried many, many inventive ways to kill herself. Even locked in a high-security ward, I still found things to try. Perversely, not trusting her with “dangerous” objects may make the matter worse rather than better. She needs to find people in the real world she can talk to, not over the internet. There are so many online “support” groups but they lead to a focus on the problem, not the solution. Talk to her and support her, and work out where this depression has come from. If it’s personal circumstances, change them. If it’s clinical depression, get her onto medication and explain that it’s NOT HER FAULT. You wouldn’t self-prescribe treatment if you suspected she had diabetes; don’t do the same because it’s inside her head. I wish you all the best.
I agree as well. The worst place to send a suicidal teenager is the Internet.
I agree to a point. Counseling is valuable! I do not want to undermine it’s importance. However, many comments on here do not address the value of your daughter having true, close friends. The love that your daughter would receive would do so much to help her than any of us realize.
I am not speaking from an empty place, I have had suicidal tendencies in my life at least 4 times. This appears to be situational depression with your daughter. Those times I was in a dark depression were also situational depression. What helped me most was having close friends that came around me to support me. Counselors are very good at what they do, but there are times when they can’t fill the love tank of the person because the person in depression can’t bring themselves to trust the counselor. This girl needs people she can count on to be there for her. That is what I believe to be the core issue.
Going back to the hospital and counselor, their importance is great! There are issues that drugs and words cannot solve. I have also been down both of those paths. I have sat in sessions with counselors. Their help was great. I find that progress with the counselor is often too slow for the depressed person. They need huge relief as quickly as reasonably possible. The counselors I have talked to moved along slower than I was comfortable with. They were doing great work though, very thorough!
I want to suggest talking to your daughter, taking at least one night a week where the two of you go out and do something together. But let it be a quality time event where you connect. You know your daughter, you know what she likes. Do that.
Then, after that, have a party for her. Invite some of her closest friends. Let her pick who comes. Get her surrounded with those who love her most. Let them have a good time doing what teen girls do best when they are together. Maybe even make it a slumber party. Great bonding goes on between girls at this age (I know, I have a daughter who is now 31, so I know the pre-teen years, the teenage years, and the 20’s. They are vastly different in many regards, but one thing remains constant – when I show her how much I love her, no matter how messed up her world may be, she is stable. The love she gains from family and friends is the glue that keeps her together.
Let your daughter know that no matter what life throws at her, you will be there. Also, get family and friends around her that feel the same way about her. We cannot guarantee that life won’t have it’s bumps in the road. But we can guarantee that we will do our best to support her.
I want to encourage you to consider this to be the most important assignment of your life. Your daughter’s life depends on it. If these things don’t work, then by all means, take her to a hospital and/or counselor.
Lastly, but most important, don’t forget to pray for her. I have and I will pray again.
Thanks for your words of wisdom, Jack. You are very right. She needs to know that she is loved but feels that the kids are school (all but 4 in her class are boys who tease her) hate her. She has one friend but her parents restrict her activities so frequent visits are not possible. They had a great time on her birthday as I took the two girls away for the weekend – – like a slumber party with extras. She is very tense about being “humiliated” in class eg for not having her homework done. It’s day by day. It will be another month to see a psychologist but she sees a guidance counsellor at school and her teacher is aware.
That’s great! I am very happy to hear that you have done much to help her socially. Having the school counselor and the teacher aware is also a big step! You are doing all the right things. I believe she will come out of this fine. The only thing I would – which you probably already have done, since you have done so much (and definitely show every sign of being a loving, caring mom) – is to help her realize that the things that these people are saying today will mean little to nothing in her future. Matter of fact, she will likely even forget their names, as I have the ones who teased me.
Her confidence is what’s important. If she needs help with her homework, do what you can in that space too. Once she is doing better in that class, the ridicule may stop.
Also, she can rebel against the ridicule by stepping up and saying “I’ll show them that they’re wrong.” The best revenge is to succeed in spite of the nay-sayers.
She can also take confidence in the fact that according to an FBI study, 75% of all bullies wind up in prison by age 24. That is astonishing. They did the study after the incident in Columbine.
Keep up the great work! You are headed in the right direction! 🙂
I do not know of a site. However, I can say when I was thirteen I tried to kill myself and almost did. What really changed it for me was when my mom held me and just cried and cried. I knew how much it would have broken her. I knew I was loved to the core. My world was very black and white at the time and I didn’t see the endless possibilities life has. I just saw it wasn’t what I wanted. So, it wasn’t worth living and the combination of hormones and emotions feeling so strong and real… It was hard to see past my little world at the time. I just saw two very unhappy parents, we were extremely poor, my mom worked her tail off… My grandparents were very ill at the time. I was thinking, this is what I have to look forward to.?… If there is any good advise… I don’t know if there is any.. Just let her know how much you love her and continue to do what you can to find help.
I have been that 14 year old, so I can totally relate. I remember not really wanting to talk to anyone about anything and even now at 30 I still find it hard to express myself when I’m in a depressive mood.
I don’t know any websites that can help, but I do know what helped me: writing. It’s something I have been doing since I was 7 and I found that writing poetry helped me to get some of the pain out in a healthy way.
If the girl has something that she really enjoys – anything (providing it’s healthy!) – then it should be encouraged and she should be shown that finding an outlet for your emotions can make the world of difference.
I am glad she’s been able to take time out of school – she needs to know that it’s OK that she’s not feeling right and that, just like someone with a virus, she needs time and rest to feel better.
I note the mother says she can’t take a month off work and while that’s totally understandable, I hope she’s been able to take some time off – even a day would make a massive difference. I know its hard for someone who has never suffered from depression to understand this, so please don’t think I’m being patronising, but it can be a very serious illness – the same as a physical disease – and this girl needs to know her parents recognise that.
I really wish my parents had been more understanding of my mental health issues – too often they were (and still are) too afraid to talk to me about it and always opted to leave me alone in my room until I ‘snapped out of it’ – bad approach! It’s just not that simple. I needed to know that while they may not have fully understood, they were still willing to try. I didn’t get that as a child but if my two kids ever go through similar, I hope I can just be there for them if and when they need me.
I hope what I have said has made sense. Basically it’s about offering your understanding, even if you aren’t fully there yet and about supporting in her in finding a healthy outlet and using it. She needs to know that it’s OK to need an emotional ‘time-out’ every now and then and that it’s safe to express herself without fear of embarrassment or reprisal.
Good luck and remember, everything she feels is as real to her as physical pain and should be treated as such.
I went thru this with me of my kids. For me, I had to get her to a professional. After a bad cutting experience, we called the Teen Crisis line in our area. She started talking to the counselor on the phone, and I left the room to give her privacy. My job was to lead her to people who could help her, and it would not be me; she needed someone other than her mom to talk to.
Long story short, by the end of the conversation, I also got a chance to talk to the counselor, and my daughter agreed to go to a medical facility for teens for 3 days. She came back a different person. She met others who were struggling, and learned to talk about things instead of holding onto them. She started drawing and journeling to expreess herself. We did receive counseling after that as well. I don’t think she really wanted to die, she just didn’t know how to live yet. Today, she is on her own, working, and attending college.
Also, it is not your fault. Our girls have alot to deal with in this world, more than we did I think. You are a good mom, and things will get better. May God lead and comfort and protect you both.
Sorry, forgot the links…
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.myjellybean.com/teen-hotlines/teen-hotlines
I agree with the above posters on site recommendations. A face-to-face group might also be beneficial. I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for helping this mother and her child. I think it is admirable of you. If more people helped others this way, our world would be a better place.
Also, thank you for taking time to read and like my BlogFlash posts and Robert Frost Makes Life Decisions For Me… Sometimes.
I don’t know that I would suggest anything online. As an impressionable 14 year old can find less than helpful information there too. Perhaps point her in the direction of a passion? Writing, drawing, scrapbooking…good things to do with her hands and positive things to think about. She needs help replacing negative thoughts with positive ones and finding things worth living for. Having an evaluation by a Dr. you trust is important too. I think most teenagers do have bouts of depression sometimes with suicidal thoughts. A Dr. can help with what degree/what to do about your daughter’s particular case.
Sorry…didn’t read the previous comments before responding! 😉
I wish I have a site that can help. But I will advice the mother to talk to anybody that is very close to her daughter, often times children can tell their friends more than they can tell an adult. She may get answers from that. I wish her good luck as she continued to deal with this issue.
God keep you.
I have a brother who went through this also. Just be patient and spend more time with him. Try getting him a counselor to talk with. Inform his school counselor and see if he is having problems at school. good luck with this.
I agree with everyone that stated a mental health professional needs to be involved. Be careful to select one that will do more than prescribe medication – you child needs an outlet to express herself. Often medication simply pushes the negative feelings down and numbs them out so they get louder, creating a cycle of always needing a stronger pill to hold down that which needs to be expressed.
Another thought for you home is to play high vibration music in it. It doesn’t need to be loud or intrusive but high vibration music will automatically lift the mood of everyone in the home. Music like J.S. Epperson or Source Vibrations. Just playing music won’t “fix” everything but it can help both of you feel more capable of moving forward.
http://www.depressionconnect.com
I am an active member on a sister-site from the same people that run bipolardisorderconnect.com. What’s nice is there’s a smartphone app, too. I know on the bipolar forums that there are people of all ages there. Sometimes people post needing help, other times you reply to try to help others who are struggling. Sometimes people just post goofy things to lighten the mood.
Everyone in this child’s life needs to be aware of this dangerous situation. And that’s for her good, not invading her privacy. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If it’s possible to convince her of that fact, she will be less likely to attempt suicide. Everyone keep close tabs and make sure to stress that you are available 24-7 if she feels helpless. Feeling helpless and hopeless is what moves a person to the breaking point.
Call in the troops! By troops I mean family, friends, professionals. Even if parent feels they are not able to take off of work, is there someone(s) who can help stand in the gap? Does the child participate in any type of Youth group whether for church or common hobby? Best friends? In a situation like this, all help is needed and through the process this handled tactfully by all involved can create a wonderful, supportive net. Definitely, as listed above in posts seek professional help.
Any child left unsupervised online could venture into dangerous areas that could add to the problem. My niece went through this and all of us helped her to realize (along with counseling) what a precious, beautiful young woman she was.
Take time for you, take time for her. Praying for all.
This may not help because its only just coming off the top of my head. But if they have Facebook there are atleast three groups that I know of that are dedicated to preventing youth suicide. I know atleast one is a secret group so that member can feel comfortable talking about feelings/ stories without the rest of the world hearing, and doing so with with other teens or ex teens that have attempted suicide in the past. Maybe something to look into? Just as a start? Xxx
The Samaritan organization ( across the US and most of the world) often has teen lines that they can converse with someone; their age, often gender as well. National teen line: 800-252-8336
They are be-frienders, they listen.
When I was going through depression I used a website called http://www.teencentral.net/
But my suggestion, as a survivor of teen suicide, if suicide is being talked about, if depression has already shown to impact her life and you feel or have proof that you need to hide medication in your house, is this needs to go offline and she needs professional help and LOTS OF LOVE, TIME, SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING!
I just nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award, because I enjoy your blog so much. For details, click on this link:
http://annkoplow.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/day-70-questions-and-answers-and-the-liebster-blog-award/
I hope that’s okay. No matter what, I’m very grateful for your posts.
Thank you Ann!
I will get to answer all in a later post, once my new parents site is up. Most appreciated!
Wow. It always breaks my heart to know that a child is contemplating suicide out of a fear of something. Potentially, she is being bullied. Since she spends a lot of time online, it may be cyberbullying. But for whatever reason, she is feeling less than adequate for some arbitrary standard that someone has made up. That’s just not so. She is valuable and important to all of us! Please tell her so! We believe that she can she is already well on her way to being amazing! Just to have the strength to stand up under such intense pressure is amazing! I know this well because I have had suicidal temptations at least 4 separate times in my life…
“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo
The above quote is so true. I think this 14-year is feeling so much pain within her and so desperate to find a way to stop the pain. Perhaps what she need is love and to be accepted for who she is.
I believe it is important to find out the real cause of her depression. This is just my personal opinion. I do pray she’ll come out of this darkness soon.
Brilliant quote. Very true. ALL sources of help, all sources that can give even a small measure of relief (yes, Internet) should be utilized. The greater help/relief will ALWAYS be in the human contact, support and love.
My heart goes out to you as a fellow mom. And my heart is out to your daughter as I had similar troubles at that age. I urge you to please get her help. There is lots of free counselling out there, reach out to your community. I beg you to not leave it up to her online or in anyway. She is not fully developed at age 14 and needs your strength and resources to learn to work with herself. Whatever she has had the courage to tell you is only the tip of the iceberg. This could be a life long journey for her or only a short stint. But you don’t know that until you get her help and figure out what is really going on. Be open to thereapies, schools, groups, supplements. Good luck.
Im 15 myself and are struggling with similiar problems. If u havent gotten any help for her i would suggest you do that. I might have been freaking out if my mum tried to get help, but i realize that this is no life. Whatever you do dont take away her laptop. I dont stay on mine because i want to, but simply because thats where all my friends who support me trough this are.
Those are some easy things, what works to help her recover i cant say much about concidering that i am no where near it myself and i dont know her. Dont forget to show that you love her. Even when you are fighting and you are mad, show love. It might be hard, but she needs it.
Your comment is highly apreciated. I was hoping to hear from girls that are going through this. Thank you. I hope you are over this very soon, It takes a lot of strength to be there for others, while still fighting your own demons!
It means alot to me you saying that. Helping others is basically the only thing i wanna do, help people up or to stay away from this situation.
Thanks for sharing. It means so much when all of you offer your help and support, especially people who have or are going through it themselves. Not knowing what is on her mind is the worst thing since sometimes she tells me she wishes I would not come home till late and that she’d rather be alone. I don’t do that but the fact that she is expressing that is, in my mind a cry for help too. She sees a counsellor at school, who she likes but only has one friend to confide in. She is often teased about her young appearance. This drives down her self image more. She goes on line, mostly on YouTube to watch funny videos of gamers. But there is no way to know for sure since she is alone for 3 to 4 hours between school and when I can get home from work. I wish it wasn’t so but there is nothing else and no family close by. This is rambling so sorry about that. Thanks to everyone. I have read all your comments and they are a great help. I so appreciate all your suggestions. Yes, making sure I tell and show I love her is so important. I do daily, even if she pushes me away.
Love your blogs/posts!! Thank you for liking mine…..I’m hoping that if some of the people who read your blog check out mine…..maybe they can understand just a little bit about severe depression and anxiety. That is my goal anyway. Thank you again and keep up the GREAT posts!!!!
Good luck with your efforts. I have a brother who has battled depression for years so I learned not to say things like– “get over it” or “you just need to get a life.” My brother is a good person, he is not just lazy or just slacking. He tries hard every day to deal with his problem without hurting others, so I say again– Good luck with your blog.
If she is on facebook tell her to add me Susie Logan or Little steps go along way. Little steps is a help group set up which is fantastic and we all help each other out and there is lots of young ones on it too.
I didn’t know how to tag you in my post but i reblogged a poem I wrote last year, your 14yr old might like it. x
Thanks. I’ll suggest she add you. 🙂
http://www.teenink.com
Specifically:
http://www.teenink.com/Resources/HealthR.php
Even more specifically:
http://www.teenink.com/Resources/HealthR.php#depression
I read things like this and my blood runs cold. I was one of those teens (and it didn’t get better for me until my mid 20’s). All I can say is hang on, puppy, I PROMISE it gets better. Hang on. It feels like not enough. As scary and real as it was for me, I can’t imagine what it is like from a parent’s point of view. :o(
All I can say, is listen to what she’s saying. Just listen. Try not to tell her what she’s feeling isn’t true, or she shouldn’t feel that way. The way she feels is her truth, she’ll have to work through it, with support from you, of course.
I would like to add my 2 cents. First thank you for visiting my blog. I know you read my experience with childhood suicide. I was in such pain. Everybody has different reasons for feeling suicidal. Mine was my medical illness that I didn’t know I had and neither did my parents. The symptoms that I had were called growing pain…PMS…etc. There is a reason for depression and as a child it’s very hard to explain what the problem is. Most times we don’t know and even if I did I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone.
I do know one thing and that is I wanted the pain to go away and I didn’t know any other way to do that except…die. I felt all alone and I felt that I was a total out cast. I did not connect with people and was in my own little world. I had a mother and a father and a nice home…but I didn’t seem to connect with anyone except other kids who were misfits like me.
What made things worse was that my parents punished me with the things I loved the most…taking them or an activity away. So I had nothing. Well I did have one friend that I had a good relationship with and that was God. My happiest times were in church and church activities. The people there loved me and my parents thankfully took me to every activity.
I also found some peace in my music. I sang and played instruments. This brought me some joy.
Looking back I can say that I wanted acceptance. I wanted somebody to really love me for me. I wanted hugs, more friends and to popular.
My suggestions:
1. Get a complete medical exam to make sure there are no genetic things going on. Ask family members about illness that run in the family. Simple CBC’s and standard doctors check up don’t always find rare things.
2. Of course counseling…but be careful where you go and make sure your child connects to the counselor…if not don’t be scared to change until you do find the right one.
3. Keep being your Childs advocate. Search out anything that you think may help and just try it. Things that are not working for him or her drop it.
4. Don’t overdo the attention about this because they can feed on it. Keep a balance…be a smart and wise mom. Quietly snoop on them so you know how deep or serious things are with them.
5. If you feel with your mother instinct that things are serious don’t be afraid to take action…like hospitalization.
6. Try to get to the bottom or the root of the depression. This is hard though.
7. My biggest and strongest suggestion is to pray hard!
Three of my children had mental issues and after all the counseling, some medications, and years of nurturing… I believe it was my intense care and love for my children and the help of God that brought them through the very trying years. They are all doing very well as adults. If you plant good seeds in your kids they will sprout. There are some children that do have mental illness that will follow them into adulthood and all you can do is prepare them the best that you can to manage their illness.
Be encouraged and hang in there! God bless your family!
I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and family therapist. I work with self-injurious teenage girls and people experiencing suicidal ideation. My site may help. Look under the psychology, inspirational, and parenting categories. I also practice and write about dialectical behavior therapy which is an evidence based therapy. It teaches emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. Great for treating depression and borderline personality disorder. http://www.letlifeinpractices.com
As another who had to deal with severe depression as a teenager when the internet was the hot new thing, I found getting away from the computer to be most beneficial. I use to look at inspirational websites, and really did not connect with them well. My mom got me a big sister (yes, those that provide therapy and support to children). She got me out of the house at least twice a week and it was nice to be able to go out and do things instead of sitting inside all day. While it didn’t fix my depression and suicidal thoughts, it was something positive that helped me through it until I accepted that I not only needed therapy (and the right therapist), but medication as well. Fortunately, I was able to come off of medication, but I still stick with the therapy from time to time.
I know some of the comments above say Not to rely on sites but headspace.org.au is one. Hope it helps 🙂
Oh, and this site is aimed at youth too, sponsored by the Australian government. http://www.headspace.org.au
Please go back and read the comment by athirdandahalf again. It is spot on.
Just because you are her Mother and love her, doesn’t mean you have the ability or skills to provide what your precious daughter needs right now. We all have to reach outside of ourselves for experts or specialties when needed.
Get between your daughter and her condition as fast as you can. If she’s telling you she wants to die she’s telling you I want to die but wish I didn’t. This is not a wait and see situation. My heart goes out to you, but you are the adult here. Take care of your child, she needs you. Do it. Do it now! Do it any way you can.
Go to an emergency room
Call the family doctor
Go to school and see how they can help you with resources
Call everyone you know for assistance in getting her true medical/psychological help
Do it. Do it now! Do it any way you can.
I wish I could add the magic answer and the magic help that this girl needs. I CAN pray and am praying as we speak. This has me terrified and feel so sick for mother and daughter.
As a women who has experienced many internal struggles, I think the best thing you can do is to help her see the beauty of her breakdown as Dr. Anjana so eloquently stated. If she learns that her breakdown is an absolutely beautiful thing, she might say, “what do you mean?”
With every breakdown, I’ve realized an amazing message. The foundation of the message is the same every time. My image of who I want or thought I should be in the world, was not consistent with the reality of the world as I was seeing it. I would highly suggest that you talk with your daughter about what she wants in the world? Who she wants to be? How she wants the world to be? What she would change if there were no obstacles? Help to take her out of the ‘fear’ and into the possibility.
At the same time, it is important to recognize what the fears are. You can start by asking her, what are you feeling? She can answer anything. To that answer, ask her, “What is the problem with that?” The answer again can be anything. Then ask her again, “What is the problem with that?” I suggest you write down the answers. Continue until there really isn’t another answer. From there you will get to the root of the problem. Once you know this, you can start to address it straight on, gently of course.
There is a woman who I learned this technique from. Her name is Alaina Greenberg. She has a wonderful blog and I truly believe her technique is powerful. It’s very simple and cuts right through to the core. Your daughter will very likely be as surprised as you about what her struggle really is. If you want to see an example of this technique, I suggest you read her post: http://nextsteprelationshipcoaching.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/the-solution-to-any-problem-you-can-not-shake/
Most psychology focuses on the problems/symptoms/behaviors as opposed to the possibilities, solutions, hope and bravery of going through the breakdown. Your daughter is very brave. She is ‘in’ her feelings. She’s not avoiding them as many people do. Now the only thing left is your love, compassion and calm. Your help through this beautiful moment of self discovery is the greatest gift you can offer her. With love and support, Amanda
One more offer for this wonderful mother. After 18 years of traditional psychiatric care, I have found another way. Holistic Psychiatry is a new journey for me. If you’d like to learn more, you may visit my blog: http://homeopathicpsychiatry.wordpress.com/. It has been the most transformative 8 weeks in the history of my psychiatric care.
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I love the outpouring of help and love in these comments. I’m so happy there weren’t any trolls and that everyone is open and sharing (or so happy that you did a good job of moderating).
Mental health is such a taboo topic, but the more that people talk openly about it the more that we can get people the help that they need, If your brain doesn’t work properly, there is no shame in that.
Sometime is is essential to take medication to fix your body’s deficiencies. If your pancreas doesn’t work properly, and you need medication to stay alive, there is nothing wrong with that. I need medication to stay sane, I struggled with the concept at first, but being on the medication has saved my life.
Therapy and mindfulness practice have also helped.
I thought I would share some comments on medication, everyone has provided such amazing feedback so far, so thought I would share what worked for me.
I really like The Rookie, particularly Sady Doyle’s writings on Metal Health. She’s very honest and straightforward about her bipolar diagnosis and she has a clear voice that is supportive and frank without being condescending. What I’ve read on the site in general seems to follow that pattern as well.
This piece in particular deals with her diagnosis and how getting help has allowed her to have a richer more fulfilling life: http://rookiemag.com/2012/09/on-falling-apart/
There is a lot of good advice here, so I will not comment further other than to say that seeking counseling is important, both for the writer and the child. I did however find this, which may give a bit of insight?
http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/understanding.shtml
Thank you for bringing this onto your blog. It is such a valuable discussion.
If I had to do things over again, I would disconnect the internet, throw away all the phones, and move to the country .. get the kids involved with working with animals and keep them so busy they just didn’t have time to keep thinking about running away, drugs, suicide etc. This may sound simplistic but I think it would have solved a lot of problems in my family.
Zadista – I couldn’t agree with you more. I actually went through my own suicide attempt @14 on my aunt and uncle’s farm. Tough love, fresh farm food and lots of farm work(pitching pig poop is an interesting diversion) helped me rebound quickly and find the strong woman within. I also believe nurturing the artist within is critical to fighting depression. My auntie encouraged me to pursue my creative nature with writing and sewing. Thank God we didn’t have internet or cable – the phone was a bad enough distraction.
Reblogged this on Adrian Rodriguez and commented:
Help is everywhere. Have the courage to open up. Keep your hopes high.
You need to ask the kid what it wants to do. Do not push them into a website. Try and find good hobbies and schedule them weekly. I actually enjoy playing boardgames with my parents or watching a series together.
Anything artistic is always a good distraction and it may actually help them take out that heavy weight off in a productive manner.
I am not a parent, but I am a young adult who has been suffering from depression since I was eleven. And I have always felt best when creating something and having my mind busy and full. Fogs up the dark thoughts.
Thanks for posting. 🙂 it is good to hear from young people and get their perspective, especially if they have gone through what my daughter may be going through (no ‘diagnosis ‘ at this point) . I am ‘around’ even if she says she doesn’t want me to be. Right now she is under pressure (from the teacher, me and herself) to do well in school. I have set a high standard but one she can meet. I just hope that this is not too much for her but she herself does want to do well. I hope that continued success with our support will give her more confidence.
Also a pet is a great idea, specially cats, they are independent, so when the kid isn’t feeling like it, the cat can manage on their own. Sometimes you just need something to give love to.
Having worked with teens it is quite scary when you hear the word suicide- here was one site that gave us “real” information- http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/09/120910122651.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm
If your child has someone to speak to that is honest and will give your child insight it may help. I only wish you the best.
Depression sucks. The worst part is the stigma associated with mental illness. It gets better. But you need to ask for help.