I’m a crying baby!

My dad is a sportive and thin turning 70 – looking 55 man.

During a regular physical check-up, he was urgently rushed into a heart bypass surgery; the doctors told him that he can get a heart attack any minute now, and there’s no chance he will survive it.

We’re still stunned, it was so fast and unexpected. Thankfully he’s very strong and every doctor’s dream, as they keep telling him.

I was on my way to the ER when a good friend called, crying about a 17 years old boy who comited suicide. It was a real surprise for his family and friends, as everything looked ok. He was loved and a good student, smart and popular.

He showed no signs of depression and as his parents said, at this age when they are in their rooms with a closed door,  you figure it’s a regular adolescence behavior.  If in addition they are introverts, how can you guess that they are actually depressed?

My friend has an introvert son who’s going through a rough period, and she stopped sleeping at all.

When I returned from the hospital, my 12 years daughter came home and cried for hours;  The boys in her peer group were cursing, shouting at her and calling her names, she had no idea what she did to deserve that.

Looking into it, what I actually understood was that one of these boys, a good friend, was crying before this started; apparently he’s going through a rough period himself, and he was offended by her. She can’t see his side of course, as she’s in a victim state of mind now. He apologized deeply later on, but she wouldn’t accept his apology, my little drama queen. Or should I say, my 12-year-old behaving as 12’s do.

So I went out to get some fresh air, saw this lonely widow neighbour whose son is living at the other side of the globe. She has only cats to talk to, she was feeding them and I  started crying like a baby.

Which of course I can’t, because I can’t place my burdens on my children’s young shoulders.

They can’t know about my financial anxieties, it’s not their fault that I need to close my 5 years old business.

And I shouldn’t cry because many things in my life are great, the important things .

While all I want now is to disappear, I’m trying to remind myself that I’m fortunate to have a loving family, a supportive husband, that some days it all looks dark but brighter days are in line; that nothing actually happened; after all, it’s all regular daily issues, isn’t it?  It’s called “life” 😦 

This poem below has been written by an Israeli poet called Yehuda Amichai. This poet is very known in my country, being taught in schools, and one of the few I remember since childhood. 

If you are not a poems person (I’m not, it’s ok) please only read the first 4 lines, it’s a good summary.

God Full Of Mercy

God-Full-of-Mercy, the prayer for the dead.
If God was not full of mercy,
Mercy would have been in the world,
Not just in Him.
I, who plucked flowers in the hills
And looked down into all the valleys,
I, who brought corpses down from the hills,
Can tell you that the world is empty of mercy.
I, who was King of Salt at the seashore,
Who stood without a decision at my window,
Who counted the steps of angels,
Whose heart lifted weights of anguish
In the horrible contests.

I, who use only a small part
Of the words in the dictionary.

I, who must decipher riddles
I don’t want to decipher,
Know that if not for the God-full-of-mercy
There would be mercy in the world,
Not just in Him.

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63 Comments

Filed under Life

63 responses to “I’m a crying baby!

  1. I am hoping for things to get better for you and for your father and daughter. Sometimes, it feels like difficulties all pile on at once.

  2. It’s crazy how all parts stages of life can be difficult. It’s always something, but you’re right – we have to count the blessings up against the problems. Blessings~

  3. I am so sorry to hear about all that is so wrong in your world at the moment, it is cruel how it goes this way sometimes…anyone of the things you have described would be enough in isolation, but you have really had it all heaped on you at once.
    If I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel looking for something reassuring to say, it would be this…You are so fortunate to be able to cry! Sounds ridiculous I know, but tears are what build resilience…in an unexpected way.
    When your heart is soft enough to be able to feel the sadness of the things that are not working in your life, you feel the futility of it and are moved to cry tears. Those tears signal the brain to find a work around because you have hit the bottom with deep sob. Have you ever noticed how you actually feel better after a really good cry? That is because the energy shifts when you are able to feel the sadness of things being the way they are and then your brain says, ‘Now what am I going to do about it?’
    You may not feel like it, but you pick yourself up and you get on with it because you were able to feel those feelings. People who are defended against feelings of such vulnerability aren’t able to do this and they either keep trying to change what doesn’t work, can’t accept what isn’t working, or stop trying all together and give up. You aren’t any of those, you cried and from there, the only way to go is up!
    I say celebrate your tears, cry when you need to cry and encourage your children to do the same thing in the safety of your own home. Soft hearts and deep attachments help us to truly grow up, and our growing is never done!
    Thank you for sharing, your openness helps so many who feel the same way but aren’t able to share it because it is too vulnerable to put it out for others to see.

    • When i’m really down, I always think that the only way now is up.
      Anyway, if you read my last post, things are much better now, and I shared some of the inspiring things that people I don’t know, like you, wrote me. I don’t take for granted the fact that you are reading and taking the time to comment and try to help. Thank you.

    • This is a beautiful post and this is a really inspiring comment in reply. I cry lots and easily and I always worry I’m teaching my children to cry too easily and over the silliest things. But it is true, I feel at peace after a good cry. I never thought why. Thank you for explaining and for making me see that letting my children cry is okay (I usually try and stop them because I see it as a weakness in myself)

  4. Pingback: on bad days… – baby, don't you cry

  5. That was really amazing. I think it takes a lot of strength to hold it all in that way. I guess God empowers parents in that way, if it is best. I became a parent when my stepson was 9. I did not know what i was doing. I did OK he just graduated.. Between me being ADD and him BPolar, we did the best could. and we are the best of friends. We both did our share of crying. Thank you for sharing that part of your life

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